Rich Hagon’s Signoff in Written Form

Listener @mrphlip took the time to transcribe Rich’s entire signoff for the pun geeks out there 🙂

Hello, everyone. My name’s Rich Hagon, and I like to tell Magic jokes. Not good jokes, not bad jokes… *terrible* jokes. Eye-bleeding, stomach-inverting, wall-punching jokes. They are NOT, NOT funny. This is the point in the show where you can walk away. See that stop button? Press it. PRESS IT. If you don’t press stop now, you will end up hating Marshall, hating me, but most important of all, listeners, hating yourself for listening. Are you still there? 5… 4… 3… 2…

From three stories? Huh. From ten stories up? Now that’s a bolder fall. [Boulderfall]
“Ooh, what a lovely view.” – I’m a gent of horizons. [Agent of Horizons]
Alright, Setessan Hero, stop being so Anthousa-astic. [enthusiastic]
When Captain Kirk’s shirts got intelligently ripped, they were battle wise velour. [Battlewise Valor]
What do you say when a 4/2 Flash enters the battlefield? Boon Sat’ Sat’ Sat’ the room, tick tick tick tick, boon. [Will Smith – Boom! Shake The Room]
A white enchantment on a 6/6 Nemesis rare: Chained to the Rhox.
Now, the ‘potamuses should be right around this corner. Any minute now, if I stay undetected, I’ll be breaching hippo camp. [Breaching Hippocamp]
I just love a dying fire. Yep, I’m an embers wallower. [Ember Swallower]
I got given a goose once. I just love ’em, yes I do, I love them, I cannot get enough o’ them. Do you know why, Marhsall? I’ll tell you why, because I am a fanatic of mo’ geese! [Fanatic of Mogis]
Any word plus the first letter of the alphabet: gains “A”. [Gainsay]
An immortal with a bad drinking habit: God swilling. [Gods Willing]
What makes a slave out of the view? Horizon’s collar. [Horizon Scholar]
Baseball player berated for high walks plus hits per innings pitched: Lash of the WHIP. [Apparently it’s a baseball statistic? I dunno, I don’t baseball…]
What Lightning rode as a kid: Lightning’s trike. [Lightning Strike]
If you worship at the altar of PTQ Top 8s, a 3-0’s got a passage. [Athreos, God of Passage]
Prince Charles: Master of Waves.
Any of my jokes after 8PM: definitely a night-howler. [Nighthowler]
Cheekily looking at the future: omens peeker. [Omenspeaker]
Opaline unicorn. You hope a line unicorn what?
Not coloureds, plains.
Why did you stop? For rest. [Forest]
Tax year 2012-2013: $4179.56 – profit of Kruphix. [Prophet of Kruphix]
Farmer working for minotaurs: Rageblood’s hay man. [Rageblood Shaman]
What savages act on: savage’s urge. [Savage Surge]
Look at that! Heliod wasn’t happy. See? God’s revenge. [Sea God’s Revenge]
Katabatic! [tears paper] Breeze! [tears paper] Monsoon! [tears paper] Dust devil! [tears paper] – Shredding Winds
OK, then. H-E-A-R-T-C-H-I-M-E-R-A. [Spellheart Chimera] Oh, and by the way, D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R-F-O-R-E-N-G-L-A-N-D, that spells disaster for England.
Glastonbury: Temple of abandon. [?? Maybe you need to be English to get this one]
What’s that then? That’s the [Thassa] god of the sea, that is.
Ahh, that’s better. Thoughts ease. [Thoughtseize]
Anonymously owned hookers: unknown’s whores. [Unknown Shores]
“S”: “Voyages” end.
“Don’t die” – warrior’s lesson.
Now what is it about Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears? Seriously, who do these women think they are? Partying, drinking, binging, being in the gossip columns, it makes me sick! Sorry, wild celeb rants. [Wild Celebrants]
I spent $1000 on camping equipment once. They said it would be dry, and easy to assemble, I can put it up. When I did, I got soaked. It was a pour tent of betrayal. [Portent of Betrayal]
Fifty Shades protagonist working for a notable computer manufacturer, selling donkeys: Grey, merchant of ass, for Dell. [Grey Merchant of Asphodel]
Dealing two damage? A shock’s adept. [Ashiok’s Adept]
That’ll $20 for the set, please: charging badger.
“Ark”: culling “Mark”.
Single paddle instead: drownings, all row. [Drown in Sorrow]
I used to loathe Coronation Street, but now it’s perfectly acceptable: ex Corrie hate. [Excoriate]
T-A-E-F. “Fate” unraveler.
I’m opening a gardening company on Theros, you know why? It’s cause there are so many four-lawn pseudammas. [Forlorn Pseudamma]
Azorius Gild.
4BBBB mythic rare from Avacyn Restored in a pink dress: that’s definitely a Grisly Transformation. [Griselbrand]
Daily stipend for food and lodging on Theros: heroes per diem. [Heroes Podium]
There he is! Oracle’s in sight. [Oracle’s Insight]
Come on boys, tango with me: plea for guy dance. [Plea for Guidance]
Lightningish won’t, thunderous might.
A lot, that’s the weight of the underworld.
Are you OK? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. [Xenagos]
“I believe in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart!” Do you think I could get cast into Darkness? [The Darkness – I Believe In A Thing Called Love]
You finding this enchanting? You Deicide. [decide]
Bah-de-bah-bah-bah! Flurry of horns.
Crap British newspaper in the 1970s? Grim Guardian.
Armalite rifle: Font of Ire. [Armalite Rifle is an angry-looking typeface that looks like stencils with bullet-holes]
Sybil Green: Font of Fertility. [Sybil Green is a flowery nature-looking typeface]
Anyone alive who isn’t mmrph-hrmmm…? Humbler of mortals.
Finally, look, Dad, Kruphix is in sight! [Kruphix’s Insight]
Magmas pray? I didn’t even know magmas were religious! [Magma Spray]
Hey, these are totally coming together… look, man, a confluence! [Mana Confluence]
This segment? Nightmarish End.
Should I do these jokes again? Shall I, Marshall? I guess you want me to reprise all. [Reprisal]
“Life in the fast lane…” – Rise of Eagles. [Eagles – Life In The Fast Lane]
Hey, aah, it’s nearly 10 o’clock, get up! Rouse the Mob.
Is that a mayor? No, that’s a sire, that is. [Thassa’s Ire]
What you’re having right now? Tormented Thoughts.
I went to a Bavarian sausage festival once, they were sold out, it’s my wurst fears. [Worst Fears]
Why are cereals so complicated? You’ve got Baffling Barley, Weird Wheat, Mystifying Maize. [Mystifying Maze]

Alright, we’re almost done, it’s time for the expansion gags.

Feet: leg ends. [Legends]
You’ve never seen me rage, have you, Marshall? No. [Mirage]
Chill about loosing your wheels? Zen de-car. [Zendikar]
We can put lust, greed, or gluttony back in your life, so why not have a sin restored? [Avacyn Restored]
What you use to see the sky: weather light. [Weatherlight]
My friend Ian, he says Homelands was awesome. Homelands was awesome. Homelands was awesome. Honestly, it’s all Ian says. [Alliances]
What Urza cooks on: Urza’s AGA. [Urza’s Saga]
Well, you can’t name your brother, so you certainly can’t name your sis! [Nemesis]
The sound of 7 years bad luck? Mirror din! [Mirrodin]
All the good flavour! Lore! Win! [Lorwyn]
Waving to the ocean: Morning, tide! [Morningtide]
What are those artifact vehicles, then? ‘S cars of Mirrodin, they are! [Scars of Mirrodin]
Never mind t’ gods and t’ monsters, this is set of t’ heroes! [Theros]
Khans of Tarkir? I thought you came from Urza and Barrin. [Karn]

Alright, it’s time for the encore!

Now Santa Claus, he was riding through the sky with his reindeer on Christmas Eve, suddenly there was a tremendous thunderstorm! He fell out of the sky. The next morning, someone found him. He was soaked through. The reindeer were soaked through. The sleigh was soaked through, the ground was soaked through. But his giant red sack of presents for all the girls and boys, oh yes, not a drop of water anywhere near it. Yes, really, I mean it. The headline the next day: Sack, red, found dry. [Sacred Foundry]

“More, more! Give us more, Rich!” OK, Marshall, well I do have one to close.

So, I was at a GP recently. I couldn’t believe it, because I like to read at night, there was no bedside light! I rang reception, I said “There’s no bedside light!” They said “We know!” I said “Why not?” They said it’s ’cause of a new law, that says hotels aren’t allowed to supply bedside lights, but I was welcome to bring my own. “This is ridiculous!” I go upstairs. I put the TV on, I’ve got no bedside light after all. On comes this commercial (or as we say in Britain, an “ad”) with this little cartoon character basically saying “we can’t give you a bedside light, so don’t forget to pack one!” That was the gist. So I fall asleep with the TV on, I keep waking up, there’s this stupid cartoon character with this “we can’t give you a bedside light, so don’t forget to pack one!” It drove me nuts, I must’ve seen that thing 30 times. I’ve stopped watching TV now, I can’t bear the thought of it. Honestly, Marshall. It’s reached the point where I just started to dread “bring a lamp” ads. [Dreadbringer Lampads]

You’ve been listening to “Stand Up Magic” with me, your host, Rich Hagon. And remember, kids, Marshall made me do it.

10 thoughts on “Rich Hagon’s Signoff in Written Form

  1. I am a little upset that after running through all of those, that there’s only 85 of them, a few short of the “100 greatest Magic puns” segment promised during PTJOU.

    Also: my current theory for the “Temple of Abandon” one is that it’s supposed to be “a band on”, and is a reference to Glastonbury Festival. I don’t know if that’s what the joke’s actually supposed to be… maybe Rich can enlighten us…

  2. Thanks a LOT for posting this. I could barely catch half of the puns in the original piece, what with the blistering pace at which they were delivered, trying to decipher card names, cultural references etc. and all in what is a foreign language to me. I was really hoping someone would transcribe them and wa so happy to see this post.

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